It is a short and powerful read of about thirty minutes, that accurately depicts the way that feminism and gender roles are addressed in today’s society, and what it means to be a feminist. I’m going to share something that I highlighted, as I found that I was able to strongly relate to it:
What struck me—with her and with many other female American friends I have—is how invested they are in being “liked.” How they have been raised to believe that their being likable is very important and that this “likable” trait is a specific thing. And that specific thing does not include showing anger or being aggressive or disagreeing too loudly.
This quote articulated something that I had not previously been able to put into words, and I’m so thankful that I’ve found a way to understand what I’ve been experiencing. I came out of the womb expressing my opinion, whether people have wanted me to or not, and I’ve only started expressing it louder and more persistently as I’ve gotten older. While I’m easily able to voice my thoughts, I’ve found myself feeling guilty and anxious afterwards. Guilty for having an opinion. Guilty for saying something that might not be perceived as sweet or agreeable. I often hear this voice in the back of my head that is telling me, “be agreeable or they won’t like you,” and I’ve never understood why it was there. I’d always valued “being nice,” and didn’t fully understand what that meant. I can’t even pinpoint where it came from, because I feel like it’s something that is emphasized, specifically for females, in all aspects of society.
A lot changed for me personally when I attended a psychology conference that explained the difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice is to be pleasing and agreeable. It’s a way of social climbing, like telling someone you love their new haircut when you don’t actually think that. Being kind is different. Being kind is to proceed from a place of benevolence and help another person, not yourself. The important distinction that I’ve experienced between the two, is that being kind sometimes means speaking up. It is not placating or sitting back for the sake of avoiding conflict. It sometimes means advocating, and telling the truth, because it is helping someone else. The conference emphasized this statement, “stop being nice and start being kind,” and I’ve tried to do exactly that. I’ve changed that value, and with that change, I’ve realized that sometimes the way that I try to be kind (through advocacy and honesty) can be seen as being too assertive for a woman.
That quote, and this entire reading, made me realize that the guilt and anxiety that I experience over being opinionated is actually because of a gender stereotype in our culture. I actually found it liberating to realize that, and I am now able to feel more confident in my “rabble rousing ways” as my dad puts it, to try and help other people. If you are reading this and experiencing something similar, maybe this will help you too.
Anyway, I would highly highly recommend reading this or watching the TEDx Talk (which I have not watched, but am assuming is just as good).
